Eric’s question: The way my friend treated my husband before her death makes me not want to make friends with her anymore

Expensive Eric: Kate and I have been friends for over 20 years. Over 10 years ago, I almost considered us the best friends. My husband considered his husband as the best friend. As the years went by, Kate treated her husband without respect. Time has passed and their children also talked to him.

Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly 10 years ago. I talked to his colleagues, and he talked about how sad his family life was. Behind his death, I began to slowly move away from Kate just before his death.

Shortly after the death of Kate, she used social media to ask for prayer when he tries to go through life without his best friend. She published (and still does) memes about how she loves and misses him. I stopped communicating with her because I know the truth. I will get an SMS (after ignoring its calls) about the meeting and eat dinner or a girl’s evening.

I am not interested in seeing her. She will call or sent a SMS -Az to my husband, asking if something is wrong and he answers that I am busy or calling out. The texts are becoming more frequent. How to explain that I don’t want to be friends anymore?

– former friend

Dear friend: Your friend despaired and you acted. This does not mean that Kate’s disrespect for her husband was suitable. But it is possible that she really loved him and despair his loss. Indeed, if she felt that she treated him badly in her life, regret can be combined with a sense of guilt. It is also possible that her husband was sad because of his home life, and he also loved Kate.

You know the truth, but there are many truths here. You don’t have to change your mind about her, but after such a long friend of her, you should give her kindness of a direct conversation.

Talk to her about what has changed for you. Try to use “I” statements as much as possible, as in “I felt disappointed when I heard …” Try not to accuse – “you were disrespect and I don’t want to be your friend.” You can’t solve the problem in her marriage, but you can illuminate what went wrong in your friendship. This may not lead to reconciliation, but it will provide you with both closing.

• • •

Expensive Eric: A few years ago and I made friends with a young man fighting in art. We got it using our guest house, we regularly filled the fridge, we paid for each meal in a restaurant, listened to his problems and provided all help.

Recently, our friend “Bob” achieved a great time. He got a great job, won prizes and became relatively famous. We are very happy with him and remain close. He still uses the guest house when he is in the city. In our fantasies for him we never expected that he would thank us on the prize stage or invite us to a meeting with his new, famous friends. But the dynamics of our relationship did not change at all. He still never raised the check, or even offered to pay her participation. If he needs something in the guest house, he asks us to buy it during our next food trip.

It annoys me more and more. But my husband is simply grateful that Bob has not forgotten us. He thinks I’m petty for sticking to my irritation and that all the mention of it will be able to tear our now our rejected friend.

We are lucky that we can afford it. But that’s not the point. Is there anything I can do to change Bob’s attitude? Or maybe change your own need to feel appreciated?

– neighboring fame

Road fame: I am with you. It burns my cookies that Bob has not found ways to show his gratitude, and it is particularly annoying that he is still sending food lists. One thing is to host someone in your guest house; This is another to consider a free bed and breakfast about.

Now Bob can work impressed that this is how your friendship works. It may see less as a charity organization than as giving and taking this particular relationship. But it is difficult to even out when everything is and don’t give it.

Try smaller corrections, for example, suggesting that you will not leave the shared check next time or refuse to pick up foodstuffs. Thanks to this, you can even ask about it. “I noticed that you often ask us to collect the necessary items when you are with us. Is there a reason? “

You will also want to ask yourself if it is just a bean. This does not make it fair, but it can help rebuild it to make it less annoying.